Abbot Declares Bid for Texas Governor

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott (R) announced his candidacy for governor declaring that he figuratively and literally has a spine of steel, the Austin American Statesman reports.

Explained Abbot: “On a steamy summer day like this, I went out for a jog. While I was jogging a huge oak tree suddenly crashed down on me. The falling tree crushed my spinal cord — piercing my body with pain — leaving me forever paralyzed. I would never walk again.”

Noting that doctors had to insert steel rods along his vertebrae, he added: “Some politicians talk about having a spine of steel. I actually have one. I will use my steel spine to fight for you and every Texas family.”