“You gotta understand, the guy didn’t leave me a trail of breadcrumbs. He left me full loaves.”
“Even the stuff that’s not true, it’s true.”
“All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. And in return, I still get to be president, which I hate, but I’m too proud to quit ’cause that’s not fair.”
“Its been a big week, folks. We’re getting rid of everything Obama did — health care, the Iran deal. And we’re ripping out all the vegetables in Michelle’s garden and we’re planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Gotta love the McNuggets.”
“I actually love football… People say I remind them of a football player because I’m combative, I like to win, and I might have a degenerative brain disease.”
There’s no one better at trolling Donald Trump than former Mexican President Vicente Fox.
“I thought the campaign was the World Series, and it turned out it was spring training. On Election Day, it was like, ‘Ohh, no, the season’s starting now.'”
— “Late Night” host Seth Myers, quoted by Vox.
CNN: “For six months, late-night hosts have pilloried the President for a long litany of incidents ripe for satire, from shoving a prime minister out of the way to attacking his own attorney general. The past weekend’s events in Charlottesville sparked an unmistakable outpouring of comedic rage, because the President was so late and, to many observers (including most of the roster of late-night hosts) so wishy-washy in expressing his disapproval of groups promoting things as egregiously and indisputably wrong as racism, anti-Semitism, and neo-Nazism.”
“It was the nadir, according to Seth Meyers of NBC, who has been probably the most ferocious critic of the President in late night.”
Melissa McCarthy was back on Saturday Night Live as White House press secretary Sean Spicer.
“Jared, you’re such as inspiration. You showed everybody that if you were born rich and married my daughter, you can do anything you want … Just fix everything, okay?”
“It has all the potential consequences of Watergate, but everyone involved is really stupid.”
“It’s gotta be awkward to meet someone you’ve talked so much shit about.”
Introducing “Complicit,” a new fragrance for Ivanka Trump.
USA Today: “Baldwin’s bumbling Trump, joined by a team of soldiers tasked with saving the world, ranted about his jobs plan, D.C. hotel and feud with NBC, touching on his familiar talking points while completely ignoring the extraterrestrials eliminating the entire human race.”